mercy post & pretty little liars

Yes I know no need to accentuate that I haven't updated in almost a month I think. Sorry but good news, now that it's summer break and all the pressure of school is at bay I'll be posting a lot more than likely. I have so much going on that I want to blog about. For starters I started watching pretty little liars. I mean of course I've seen it before but I never really loved it that much or kept up with it. But that really changed. Give me the first week of summer break, my phone dead, and my new t.v. in my room with Netflix hooked up to it what do you get. Me watching the full season one in just 3 days. Ha ha yeah pathetic but i don't care it's just so good. I mean Ian obviously had something to do with Allison's death I mean he's the one threatening Spencer not to tell the police any more stuff about him. Also Ezra and Aria oh my god their relationship makes me drool if only dating a hot young insightful teacher was that easy ha ha. And I should definitely just stop now while I still can because I could go on forever about just one season. So onto some other things that have been going on, I'm starting to do cheer again. I really want to do it for the high school I go to. And to clarify not for the reason of being popular or wearing a short skirt in front of a bunch of football guys, but because it's blood sweat and tears. It takes so much dedication, perseverance, and teamwork. In my eyes all of those things are a must to learn in life and what better way to learn it than getting involved with the school showing spirit and being athletic and healthier. Also I'm going to the beach soon, yay me! I'm gonna go to Victoria's Secret and get some supa cute bathing suits (am I right ladies). And I am acknowledging right now that I know this post is really energetic and all over the freaking place, but I can't help but be excited that it's summer and in the wise words of Lil Wayne "I AIN'T GOT NO WORRIES!". So I will end this post on a good not by saying I hope everyone else is having an amazing summer break so far and I hope it stays amazing all the way to the end.

it's been a while

Hey anyone who reads this blog haha. I'm back, I know i haven't posted anything in a while. I've been really studying for my exams and end of course tests. It's so stressful I actually threw my pencil across the room and started praying and cussing all at once. It's not hard because i don't know it, it's hard because i have to memorize things for all my classes and not fail one test or i can't pass to the next grade! Passing means so much to me. Not only is it a whole new chapter of my life that would be delayed, but it's my future in education. Being someone who is a future surgeon is hard because i know colleges and med school are going to judge me on everything i'm currently doing. And as cliche as it sounds i'm actually going to apply to Harvard, and every other ivy league college. If i were to attend one of their colleges i could possibly attend maybe their medical schools and have a head start on a prosperous future for myself as a surgeon. So... it all means so much. Not to mention the usual pressures like i'll be made fun of, i won't be with my original graduating class, i won't be with my friends, i won't be aloud to play any sports etc.! It's all so much pressure and i'm feeling like all there is left to do, is do all that i can. Which is pray, study like a madman, and pray even more. So i'll post one blog after every day i have a test and explain what i felt and how i think i did yah know just to keep everyone posted. Plus i think blogging it would help me unwind and feel better about it all. So until then.

random thoughts blog #1

Wow a lot has happened in the past week. Anyways, the other night i couldn't fall asleep so i started watching creepshow 3 (if you didn't know it's by Stephen King). Something about him makes me have this weird crush on him. I mean i would probably marry him if he was about 40-50 years younger. He seems very morbid and into horror. A lot like me. I would pick a horror movie any day over a stupid romcom like "Dear John". I think movies like that are stupid, absolutely outrageously fake. Causing girls and woman to have these unreal preconceived ideas of what love and relationships are. I mean get real odds are if your boyfriend or whatever goes into the army to actually fight he more than likely won't come back. It's not that Stephen Kind is demented, or morbid,  or dark. It's that he's real in a very unreal way. The horror and dark things he brings to us in books and movies seem to all have a backroad meaning to them. One murder could mean one thing, while a teenage girl turned into a boil covered, pus festering monster could mean you are on the outside what you are on the inside. He's showing people the things they sweep under the rug to keep their happy lives going, and the fake smile plastered onto their face.

what is happiness?

What is happiness? Well for starters it's something i don't have most of the time. It's also, as it seems to me, is very hard to come by. We all want to be happy, and smile like we have no cares in the world. Am i right? We want those memorable moments where for even just a second everything seemed okay. I feel like happiness should be something we all have like fingers or ears, always with us and never too far away. But we end up looking for happiness around ever corner uprooting the world in search of something to make every day worth its while. I want to be happy i don't want to be sad like i am right now. I guess it's cause i know my life isn't what i want it to be and there's nothing i can do to change it. There is this one quote i see a lot it kind of irks me. It's "Instead of focusing on the things you can't change focus on the things you can change." Well in all honesty, WHAT!? If everything around you caves in trapping you so tightly in this hole of hatred and fighting and feeling scared and unsafe and alone tell me how you're supposed to focus on all the good. It's like telling a starving dog who has a bowl of food and a rope in front of him to focus on the rope and not the food he needs and wants. I think we all want to change the things we can't change because if there's things you can change wouldn't you have done it by now if it meant that much? So what is happiness? It's something we all crave and need. those rare moments with the sun shining and a second of pure hope inside of us. It's the moment right before you need more happiness.

turn to him or fight alone, how do i choose?

Recently I've been thinking a lot more about moving. It's all I've really wanted for about a year or two now. The house i'm in now is just unhealthy for my whole family. But we don't have all the money to move. Or much to start with anyways. I just don't want to be here anymore. It honestly makes me cry sometimes. I feel so trapped and close to everyone. All the fights and yelling and bickering. It's all over the place. I'm not asking for a mansion i just want to move to a not so expensive nice family home where i can get away when my parents fight or my sister tries to fight with me or my mom and sister fight. I want to be able to not hear it when it's happening. Maybe be able to study for school every once in a while without the interruptions. Also the people in my neighborhood are horrible some do drugs some are creepy old rapist dudes. Just last night for the 3rd time this week a loud truck stopped right in front of my house. I don't feel safe, i'm not happy, i'm isolated and i never want to be here but i'm forced to stay here 24/7. I'm scared to be here at night. I don't know if i should turn to God about this because i feel like that's asking him for something i probably don't deserve. Like even if this house is small dysfunctional and in a bad location why would my family deserve a new house if he knows i can't respect the one i have now. I'm to embarrassed to tell my mom how i really feel about where we live about how scared and alone i feel here. So if i turn to God yeah he'll know i want to move ad why but just asking won't give me a new house there's no guarantee i will feel safe finally in a new house. It's a game of Russian roulette and I've been playing for too long.

maybe it's not all bad

I have to admit today wasn't the worst of days. I'm on day two of my diet and i do feel a little different. Of course there's no actual change though. I feel like a prisoner in my body, afraid to even notice it in the mirror. Other than that all my grades are up, and i'm starting to study for all my finals. I hope i pass them i really do i can't deal with not passing them, it's my whole future on the line here. Other than all of that i keep thinking a lot about the future. I'm one of those people who can sit around for hours daydreaming about what could be. But i'm also one of those people who doesn't take action to change what is. But i guess today has showed me that i can laugh, talk to new people, work to get good grades, have fun, and be more of myself around others. It's showed me that you know maybe it's not all bad. There can be bad days and good days, but as long as i'm sitting around moping about my body and my life then it will never be a good day in the slightest. Whether it's a good or bad day is ultimately up to me and my mindset. I think i'm going to start like an attitude/mood journal. I've seen other people do them and from what i hear it helps you get out the pent up feelings you have without taking them out on someone else. Or being in a bad mood all day over one annoying thing. I just hope that coming to this realization that it depends on me to make it a good day sticks with me and i don't forget. I hope i can keep this a constant thing of waking up and thinking "hey maybe it's not all bad, today is going to be a great day". Even if it turns out to be a horrible day at least i can say it started out great.

who i am

I try to tell myself i'm happy with who i am when i look in the mirror. Accepting that this is as pretty as i'll ever be. But one thing that bothers me the most is that people say "accept yourself and just be happy with who you are, it makes you happier." Well i don't know who came up with that load of bull but it's definitely easier said than done. When i think about it i hate almost everything about myself. From my hair to my toes, especially my weight. I have a really bad weight problem i go from weighing a lot to barely weighing anything. Right now i'm at the stage where i weigh a lot. And i don't like it everyday is a struggle to get through knowing society doesn't accept people who don't look like a perfect size 0-2. Even worse i'm a teenager in school. I feel like i'm in a fat suit and this isn't me it's just a momentary state i'm in. Like how it's day and night. I just keep telling myself that it's night time and soon enough it will be day and i'll be all back to the way i was before. But that isn't going to happen without a little, more like a lot of work. A lot of eating healthy, drinking water, and working out. And about all 3 of those things i don't exactly take a liking to. So it will be even more of a struggle to push through. I just want to look good for the dance coming up on June 6th at my school this is the dress i'm going to be wearing. 

I'm in love with it and i don't exactly have a date to the dance so i want to look good and show every guy want they could have had. And most of all just for that one night i want to feel like i'm myself and not in a body suit of fat that isn't me. I want to be me for the night. Also i really hope i pass all me end of year testing it's really freaking me out that i might not make it to the next grade and passing means so much to me but anyways it's along story so i'll make another post about that. And if you're wondering the dress is from deb's homecoming section.