when in doubt, blog it out.

I'm so done with caring what people think, but at the same time i still care. I think my life sucks, but at the same time it''s great compared to how some others have to live. Why is this such a dilemma. I feel so trapped in everything it's crazy. I want Jesus's help, but i feel like i don't deserve it. This verse i found makes me really think of my life. I wonder why is my family poor, and why can't we have things like all my other friends families. Well as the verse below says, it's not my work that will change that. Neither is it how hard i work or do something to try and change the fact that my families poor. Because like most things God does there's a reason why. It's Gods plan for my family, and he didn't do it because he doesn't love my family. He didn't do it in vain, but simply because it is the plan that he has for me.

1 Corinthians 15:10-

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.

the bible

I have never read the whole bible from start to finish. It's supposed to be a book right, so i wonder why until now i'm finally thinking of reading the whole thing. It's just like a harry potter book (really long). But sometimes i feel bad or guilty because when i read it at night or before bed it starts to put me to sleep, i don't want the bible to bore me! Then again it's almost like a predicted story, or someone has spoiled the whole thing for me. I've heard how it begins how it ends and all in between. All the stories, the prophets, and the plagues. I've done activities galore to have these stories drilled into remembrance since i was a kid. So is there still any point to read it through and through, or am i just wasting time. Now that i think of it if i read it through and through i should leave my own notes understand and interpret it the way i do. Since i'm older i think i'm mentally and intellectually ready for finding out my own stories on the bible and how i should let it into my life. 

self conscious hurdles

I'm very self conscious. I look in the mirror and see every pimple, blemish, split end, cracked lip, etc. Most girls ultimately come to the question "am i ugly or pretty, skinny or fat, too tall or too short?" Which i seem to come to every time i look in the mirror. I know i'm not ugly no one really is but it doesn't help me one bit that there's girls in my school who look like Victoria secret angels with a side job of a gymnast. It sucks even more i have every single one of my classes with one of them. It's hard to compare but sometimes i wonder maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm just so judgmental of myself that i don't see that i'm just as good as her. Then there's days when i look in the mirror and see a fat ugly lump of lazy who has a face covered in grease. It's hard for girls, most boys don't understand that. We pick apart every detail of ourselves. I hope i can try and change this in the future it will definitely take work but i would do it if it meant comfort in my own body. It's just like hurdles. All's i have to do is take a couple leaps of faith and i'm on my way to self love rather than self loathe.

ignorant people...

I don't know about any of you but i absolutely love the show Grey's Anatomy. The rush, drama, romance, and occasional gushing blood. But i absolutely hate people who say "it looks cool in Grey's Anatomy so i want to be a surgical intern when i'm older". For starters you can't just be a surgical intern, that's only step one of your surgical residency. You can't stay an uneducated surgeon in training your whole life. And secondly, being a surgeon is nothing like that show and you don't become a surgeon because you watched a medical drama. Being a surgeon is about caring for the well being of others, saving lives, and doing boring chart work because it all benefits for the health of the patients. Me myself, I want to be come either a neurosurgeon or a cardio thoracic surgeon. I find it so ignorant of people who think becoming a surgeon/ being a surgeon is like a medical drama t.v. show. Say there's me and another person who wants to be a surgeon in a room with an interviewer for medical school. Here's the difference between the ignorance and true passion of wanting to be a surgeon.

INTERVIEWER: so why do you want to become a surgeon/physician?

OTHER PERSONS RESPONSE: well this one time i was watching grey's anatomy and i thought it looked so cool, plus i wanna meet a hot doctor like Meredith did oh also i hear they get payed a lot.

MY RESPONSE: I've always dreamed of being a surgeon. To think that there's dying people all over the world who could be saved. And i could be the one to save them with just years of studying a practice i could save their lives. I could give their families extra time with them, help them to see the next sunrise, take the next breath, think clearly, walk again, etc. It's amazing i could do that. The hours of sleep i would be loosing pales in comparison to the fact i would be spending them in a hospital doing something to help the well being of another human just like me. I want to put myself to work to be able to wake up and say i get to go save a life today. Yes i know that not every patient will make it, not every gun shot victim will pull through, and not every coronary heart bypass will be successful. But that's part of the job you win and you lose but every time you fight like hell to get that patient out of the operating room not in a body bag. You do every last measure before you call the time of death down to hand massaging the heart just to get back the lightest rhythm of a pulse. That's why i want to be a surgeon/ health care physician. I can get some training then save a life. A few hours of missed sleep could mean a girl who doesn't have to grow up without a father. Not to mention it looks extremely cool haha.

see there's a big difference between the two.Now i'm not saying it's bad to want to become a surgeon at first because you see it on TV. But read up on it there's a lot that could turn you off to doing it, such as you might not have known a bovie is something the burns shut small cuts during surgery and it does have a smell so if things like that disgust you it's not for you. also don't be ignorant and say it's because they make money or doctors are hot. it offends people who actually have a true passion for this.

can't a girl dream?

I see all over there's people earning millions by the minute, winning the lottery, and getting served martinis by the pool. Then there's me sitting in my house with my bed, some food, and my parents complaining that we're going to be broker than usual since my sister's college tuition is due. I don't understand why God lets people get raped, murdered, starved, treated as a slave, and beaten everyday all over the world. Maybe it's to keep the balance. Or maybe it's simply how God planned their life. I wish when we were all born the guide to our lives was handed to us and we went on our merry way. Instead we text a friend one day when you're 14 and you realize that all your friends have more money than you, better houses, and better families. Then again you wouldn't be you if you were your friends. So then you daydream and think about what if my family won the lottery, what if they got better jobs, what if we actually weren't broke. But in all honesty i don't think my family deserves it they haven't had a relationship with God in years. so if God put poverty, rape, and murder on the earth what makes me think he'll help out a moderately okay living family who don't exactly need the help. I bet it's just all my envy speaking.

when i was little

My family has financial issues. I would be lying if i said i didn't envy people who have money, not a lot but just enough to live comfortably. Because my family doesn't even really have that. We live one small paycheck to the next, using coupons to buy groceries and sometimes going without power for a whole afternoon. Yes i wish things were different because i don't ever remember my family having any money really. When i was little my parents used to buy lottery tickets all the time. I used to sit in the back of the car after we got it from the store praying to God we would win and have a big house, pay off ours and our whole families bills, and help others. But every time we didn't win so i got upset i had so much faith then. Now that i'm older i see all the wrong in the world, the unfairness, and sometimes i ask God why. It's a sin to do that i know i feel so guilty that i hate how my family life is, when others around the world are praying for at least one meal to eat out of that whole week or to just make it out alive. To many i am living comfortably. I have this one friend though (not using names, let's just call him bob). So Bob has a nice life, he lives in a two story house in a nice neighborhood with friends to hang out with in said neighborhood. Has a nice family car, gets things he wants. But he calls himself poor his house sucky and his family the worst on the earth. Me on the other hand, i live in a trailer, our family car is from the year 1998, we scrimp to buy groceries let alone simple luxuries like expensive dinners out to eat and trips to go places. My grandma recently passed away but we couldn't attend her  funeral due to the lack of money to get there. So in these moments i have nothing but why God pop into my brain i think why are they so special to get a normal life with no worries like being 14 a knowing all these money troubles. I know it's for a reason God always does something for a reason. I just wish i knew the reason. I would be so thankful to live in a house without lines on the walls, dents in the floors, cracked open windows, and paper thin walls. To live in a neighborhood without drug users, parties, alcohol, thugs, and perverts. To feel safe at night when i go to sleep and hear a noise. I would never ask for anything more than this and i know i would ask for things like food clothes or hanging out with friends. But only those normal little things. I wouldn't do anything bad or horrible if i had this dream come true. i would dedicate myself to becoming a surgeon to save lives for God. But i can't make this all happen i can't make my family wealthy. and it's a sin to be jealous and angry and hate your life. then i sin on the daily. i hate that other people have things i can't mainly nice houses and cars and clothes and good looks and boyfriends. most of all not having to worry about money all the time at the age of 14 i just wish and pray and dream.  I need to reconnect with God before i can even ask for things like this if i don't deserve his forgiveness then i definitely don't deserve his never ending abundance yet.