it's been a while

Hey anyone who reads this blog haha. I'm back, I know i haven't posted anything in a while. I've been really studying for my exams and end of course tests. It's so stressful I actually threw my pencil across the room and started praying and cussing all at once. It's not hard because i don't know it, it's hard because i have to memorize things for all my classes and not fail one test or i can't pass to the next grade! Passing means so much to me. Not only is it a whole new chapter of my life that would be delayed, but it's my future in education. Being someone who is a future surgeon is hard because i know colleges and med school are going to judge me on everything i'm currently doing. And as cliche as it sounds i'm actually going to apply to Harvard, and every other ivy league college. If i were to attend one of their colleges i could possibly attend maybe their medical schools and have a head start on a prosperous future for myself as a surgeon. So... it all means so much. Not to mention the usual pressures like i'll be made fun of, i won't be with my original graduating class, i won't be with my friends, i won't be aloud to play any sports etc.! It's all so much pressure and i'm feeling like all there is left to do, is do all that i can. Which is pray, study like a madman, and pray even more. So i'll post one blog after every day i have a test and explain what i felt and how i think i did yah know just to keep everyone posted. Plus i think blogging it would help me unwind and feel better about it all. So until then.

random thoughts blog #1

Wow a lot has happened in the past week. Anyways, the other night i couldn't fall asleep so i started watching creepshow 3 (if you didn't know it's by Stephen King). Something about him makes me have this weird crush on him. I mean i would probably marry him if he was about 40-50 years younger. He seems very morbid and into horror. A lot like me. I would pick a horror movie any day over a stupid romcom like "Dear John". I think movies like that are stupid, absolutely outrageously fake. Causing girls and woman to have these unreal preconceived ideas of what love and relationships are. I mean get real odds are if your boyfriend or whatever goes into the army to actually fight he more than likely won't come back. It's not that Stephen Kind is demented, or morbid,  or dark. It's that he's real in a very unreal way. The horror and dark things he brings to us in books and movies seem to all have a backroad meaning to them. One murder could mean one thing, while a teenage girl turned into a boil covered, pus festering monster could mean you are on the outside what you are on the inside. He's showing people the things they sweep under the rug to keep their happy lives going, and the fake smile plastered onto their face.

what is happiness?

What is happiness? Well for starters it's something i don't have most of the time. It's also, as it seems to me, is very hard to come by. We all want to be happy, and smile like we have no cares in the world. Am i right? We want those memorable moments where for even just a second everything seemed okay. I feel like happiness should be something we all have like fingers or ears, always with us and never too far away. But we end up looking for happiness around ever corner uprooting the world in search of something to make every day worth its while. I want to be happy i don't want to be sad like i am right now. I guess it's cause i know my life isn't what i want it to be and there's nothing i can do to change it. There is this one quote i see a lot it kind of irks me. It's "Instead of focusing on the things you can't change focus on the things you can change." Well in all honesty, WHAT!? If everything around you caves in trapping you so tightly in this hole of hatred and fighting and feeling scared and unsafe and alone tell me how you're supposed to focus on all the good. It's like telling a starving dog who has a bowl of food and a rope in front of him to focus on the rope and not the food he needs and wants. I think we all want to change the things we can't change because if there's things you can change wouldn't you have done it by now if it meant that much? So what is happiness? It's something we all crave and need. those rare moments with the sun shining and a second of pure hope inside of us. It's the moment right before you need more happiness.

turn to him or fight alone, how do i choose?

Recently I've been thinking a lot more about moving. It's all I've really wanted for about a year or two now. The house i'm in now is just unhealthy for my whole family. But we don't have all the money to move. Or much to start with anyways. I just don't want to be here anymore. It honestly makes me cry sometimes. I feel so trapped and close to everyone. All the fights and yelling and bickering. It's all over the place. I'm not asking for a mansion i just want to move to a not so expensive nice family home where i can get away when my parents fight or my sister tries to fight with me or my mom and sister fight. I want to be able to not hear it when it's happening. Maybe be able to study for school every once in a while without the interruptions. Also the people in my neighborhood are horrible some do drugs some are creepy old rapist dudes. Just last night for the 3rd time this week a loud truck stopped right in front of my house. I don't feel safe, i'm not happy, i'm isolated and i never want to be here but i'm forced to stay here 24/7. I'm scared to be here at night. I don't know if i should turn to God about this because i feel like that's asking him for something i probably don't deserve. Like even if this house is small dysfunctional and in a bad location why would my family deserve a new house if he knows i can't respect the one i have now. I'm to embarrassed to tell my mom how i really feel about where we live about how scared and alone i feel here. So if i turn to God yeah he'll know i want to move ad why but just asking won't give me a new house there's no guarantee i will feel safe finally in a new house. It's a game of Russian roulette and I've been playing for too long.

maybe it's not all bad

I have to admit today wasn't the worst of days. I'm on day two of my diet and i do feel a little different. Of course there's no actual change though. I feel like a prisoner in my body, afraid to even notice it in the mirror. Other than that all my grades are up, and i'm starting to study for all my finals. I hope i pass them i really do i can't deal with not passing them, it's my whole future on the line here. Other than all of that i keep thinking a lot about the future. I'm one of those people who can sit around for hours daydreaming about what could be. But i'm also one of those people who doesn't take action to change what is. But i guess today has showed me that i can laugh, talk to new people, work to get good grades, have fun, and be more of myself around others. It's showed me that you know maybe it's not all bad. There can be bad days and good days, but as long as i'm sitting around moping about my body and my life then it will never be a good day in the slightest. Whether it's a good or bad day is ultimately up to me and my mindset. I think i'm going to start like an attitude/mood journal. I've seen other people do them and from what i hear it helps you get out the pent up feelings you have without taking them out on someone else. Or being in a bad mood all day over one annoying thing. I just hope that coming to this realization that it depends on me to make it a good day sticks with me and i don't forget. I hope i can keep this a constant thing of waking up and thinking "hey maybe it's not all bad, today is going to be a great day". Even if it turns out to be a horrible day at least i can say it started out great.

who i am

I try to tell myself i'm happy with who i am when i look in the mirror. Accepting that this is as pretty as i'll ever be. But one thing that bothers me the most is that people say "accept yourself and just be happy with who you are, it makes you happier." Well i don't know who came up with that load of bull but it's definitely easier said than done. When i think about it i hate almost everything about myself. From my hair to my toes, especially my weight. I have a really bad weight problem i go from weighing a lot to barely weighing anything. Right now i'm at the stage where i weigh a lot. And i don't like it everyday is a struggle to get through knowing society doesn't accept people who don't look like a perfect size 0-2. Even worse i'm a teenager in school. I feel like i'm in a fat suit and this isn't me it's just a momentary state i'm in. Like how it's day and night. I just keep telling myself that it's night time and soon enough it will be day and i'll be all back to the way i was before. But that isn't going to happen without a little, more like a lot of work. A lot of eating healthy, drinking water, and working out. And about all 3 of those things i don't exactly take a liking to. So it will be even more of a struggle to push through. I just want to look good for the dance coming up on June 6th at my school this is the dress i'm going to be wearing. 

I'm in love with it and i don't exactly have a date to the dance so i want to look good and show every guy want they could have had. And most of all just for that one night i want to feel like i'm myself and not in a body suit of fat that isn't me. I want to be me for the night. Also i really hope i pass all me end of year testing it's really freaking me out that i might not make it to the next grade and passing means so much to me but anyways it's along story so i'll make another post about that. And if you're wondering the dress is from deb's homecoming section.

End of the school year blues

Don't be mislead by the heading of this entry. I'm ecstatic school's over soon and i don't have to wake up every morning to attempt (and fail) at looking good. But it's the teachers in my school that seem to have these blues. Not the good "I'm sad your leaving my class i hope i taught you well" kind of blues. But the "get out of my class already even though you're one of my best students my main goal in life is to ruin your day every. single. day." kind of blues. Today i had my book taken away from my language arts teacher because it was "inappropriate". By the way it definitely wasn't it was a general fiction teen romance book with kissing and puppy love that most girls my age swoon over. Yet it was corrupting me. How. About. No. She (my L.A. teacher) has freaking twilight books with sex scenes of Edward and Bella breaking the freaking bed. So she takes the Book to the principle and yells at me to go to see the principle. I go to the principle and she agrees that it's nothing to be in trouble over. THANK YOU JESUS AT LEAST ONE OF THE ADULTS IN THIS BUILDING HAS SOME SENSE. So she says i'll call your mom she can come get it. But in the mean time my L.A. teacher spreads rumors about me to all the teachers on the hall that it was a sex book and i was some freak. LIKE NO CAN SHE JUST STOP BEFORE I THROW HER UNDER A BUS. So now when my mom came to get it the whole office stared at her with dirty looks. Now that was just way to far i was going to kill my teacher. I mean don't mess with my mom, she gave birth to me, loves me, and makes really good food so back of and shut the fuck up you wannabe gossip girl of a teacher. It's so immature of her to be talking about me. She's the teacher and i'm the student. She is there to help me learn, not talk about me, spread rumors and give me dirty looks all day. If she wants to act like a high school teenage girl then i will gladly treat her like a high school teenage girl, she has to be at least 40 something years old and even i know how to compose myself better with more maturity and self control than she does. Anyways guys, I just looked over to my TV and saw a preview for the fault in our stars. I'm so excited for that, that movie will have me bawling with tears by the time it's over. Also i have some guy news I'm not really sure what it is or what it will lead too but it's like innocent flirting and touching each others arms and stuff like that. It's honestly really adorable but who knows, i sure don't. I hope it's something just a little more, nothing serious but i'm so tired of being single yah feel. Also i'm writing a book on wattpad.com i don't know if any of you know what wattpad is but it's really great. I'm just finished writing chapter three and it would mean a lot if you checked it out and gave me feedback and stuff so here's the link to it:  http://www.wattpad.com/story/15219048-it%27s-been-a-while

key word: wow

So as most days (not trying to sound unhappy i swear) Today sucked. I mean there's so much going on around me at lightning speed it's hard to see everything as it flashes by. At some point you come to find out that everyone has problems, and mostly everyone only cares about their problems.. not yours. So you can say whatever but a quiz you didn't study for because you were absent from throwing up is simply just a quiz you didn't study for and that's on you. Also failing is also on you. wow just wow. Being in a miserable state because you can't stand the constant wave of suck that repetitively knocks you over is your problem, not the people laughing and having a good time not caring why your sad. wow just wow. Because i'm sure i'm not the only one who from time to time just wishes someone would care enough to ask or stick around long enough for the whole story and not say anything like "well stop overreacting it's not even that bad, others have it worse." Well for crying out loud i know others have it worse, but others also have it better. So every once in a while just every now & then would it be so horrific to want just a little help getting up off the ground from the devilish suck wave that keeps knocking you down. Would it be so bad just to want to love and be loved by practically anyone because we all know that would at least put a little spark of hope in all of us. But the fact that people continue to judge everyone else about things that they have no right to comment on bewilders me. It leaves me with nothing but the word wow plastered on my face, coming out of my mouth, and officially becoming my motto. I just wish we could all support each other. I'm not asking for world hunger to be resolved, for peace in the middle east, or for my family to win the million dollar jackpot and become rich. I'm just asking for a "are you okay" or a "do you need help" or "do you want to talk about it" even a simple silent hug would do. We all have problems so instead of focusing on all of our own problems, how about we help others with some of theirs and they'll help with some of yours. If you scratch my back then i'll scratch yours should be the new motto not wow.