mercy post & pretty little liars

Yes I know no need to accentuate that I haven't updated in almost a month I think. Sorry but good news, now that it's summer break and all the pressure of school is at bay I'll be posting a lot more than likely. I have so much going on that I want to blog about. For starters I started watching pretty little liars. I mean of course I've seen it before but I never really loved it that much or kept up with it. But that really changed. Give me the first week of summer break, my phone dead, and my new t.v. in my room with Netflix hooked up to it what do you get. Me watching the full season one in just 3 days. Ha ha yeah pathetic but i don't care it's just so good. I mean Ian obviously had something to do with Allison's death I mean he's the one threatening Spencer not to tell the police any more stuff about him. Also Ezra and Aria oh my god their relationship makes me drool if only dating a hot young insightful teacher was that easy ha ha. And I should definitely just stop now while I still can because I could go on forever about just one season. So onto some other things that have been going on, I'm starting to do cheer again. I really want to do it for the high school I go to. And to clarify not for the reason of being popular or wearing a short skirt in front of a bunch of football guys, but because it's blood sweat and tears. It takes so much dedication, perseverance, and teamwork. In my eyes all of those things are a must to learn in life and what better way to learn it than getting involved with the school showing spirit and being athletic and healthier. Also I'm going to the beach soon, yay me! I'm gonna go to Victoria's Secret and get some supa cute bathing suits (am I right ladies). And I am acknowledging right now that I know this post is really energetic and all over the freaking place, but I can't help but be excited that it's summer and in the wise words of Lil Wayne "I AIN'T GOT NO WORRIES!". So I will end this post on a good not by saying I hope everyone else is having an amazing summer break so far and I hope it stays amazing all the way to the end.

it's been a while

Hey anyone who reads this blog haha. I'm back, I know i haven't posted anything in a while. I've been really studying for my exams and end of course tests. It's so stressful I actually threw my pencil across the room and started praying and cussing all at once. It's not hard because i don't know it, it's hard because i have to memorize things for all my classes and not fail one test or i can't pass to the next grade! Passing means so much to me. Not only is it a whole new chapter of my life that would be delayed, but it's my future in education. Being someone who is a future surgeon is hard because i know colleges and med school are going to judge me on everything i'm currently doing. And as cliche as it sounds i'm actually going to apply to Harvard, and every other ivy league college. If i were to attend one of their colleges i could possibly attend maybe their medical schools and have a head start on a prosperous future for myself as a surgeon. So... it all means so much. Not to mention the usual pressures like i'll be made fun of, i won't be with my original graduating class, i won't be with my friends, i won't be aloud to play any sports etc.! It's all so much pressure and i'm feeling like all there is left to do, is do all that i can. Which is pray, study like a madman, and pray even more. So i'll post one blog after every day i have a test and explain what i felt and how i think i did yah know just to keep everyone posted. Plus i think blogging it would help me unwind and feel better about it all. So until then.

random thoughts blog #1

Wow a lot has happened in the past week. Anyways, the other night i couldn't fall asleep so i started watching creepshow 3 (if you didn't know it's by Stephen King). Something about him makes me have this weird crush on him. I mean i would probably marry him if he was about 40-50 years younger. He seems very morbid and into horror. A lot like me. I would pick a horror movie any day over a stupid romcom like "Dear John". I think movies like that are stupid, absolutely outrageously fake. Causing girls and woman to have these unreal preconceived ideas of what love and relationships are. I mean get real odds are if your boyfriend or whatever goes into the army to actually fight he more than likely won't come back. It's not that Stephen Kind is demented, or morbid,  or dark. It's that he's real in a very unreal way. The horror and dark things he brings to us in books and movies seem to all have a backroad meaning to them. One murder could mean one thing, while a teenage girl turned into a boil covered, pus festering monster could mean you are on the outside what you are on the inside. He's showing people the things they sweep under the rug to keep their happy lives going, and the fake smile plastered onto their face.

what is happiness?

What is happiness? Well for starters it's something i don't have most of the time. It's also, as it seems to me, is very hard to come by. We all want to be happy, and smile like we have no cares in the world. Am i right? We want those memorable moments where for even just a second everything seemed okay. I feel like happiness should be something we all have like fingers or ears, always with us and never too far away. But we end up looking for happiness around ever corner uprooting the world in search of something to make every day worth its while. I want to be happy i don't want to be sad like i am right now. I guess it's cause i know my life isn't what i want it to be and there's nothing i can do to change it. There is this one quote i see a lot it kind of irks me. It's "Instead of focusing on the things you can't change focus on the things you can change." Well in all honesty, WHAT!? If everything around you caves in trapping you so tightly in this hole of hatred and fighting and feeling scared and unsafe and alone tell me how you're supposed to focus on all the good. It's like telling a starving dog who has a bowl of food and a rope in front of him to focus on the rope and not the food he needs and wants. I think we all want to change the things we can't change because if there's things you can change wouldn't you have done it by now if it meant that much? So what is happiness? It's something we all crave and need. those rare moments with the sun shining and a second of pure hope inside of us. It's the moment right before you need more happiness.

turn to him or fight alone, how do i choose?

Recently I've been thinking a lot more about moving. It's all I've really wanted for about a year or two now. The house i'm in now is just unhealthy for my whole family. But we don't have all the money to move. Or much to start with anyways. I just don't want to be here anymore. It honestly makes me cry sometimes. I feel so trapped and close to everyone. All the fights and yelling and bickering. It's all over the place. I'm not asking for a mansion i just want to move to a not so expensive nice family home where i can get away when my parents fight or my sister tries to fight with me or my mom and sister fight. I want to be able to not hear it when it's happening. Maybe be able to study for school every once in a while without the interruptions. Also the people in my neighborhood are horrible some do drugs some are creepy old rapist dudes. Just last night for the 3rd time this week a loud truck stopped right in front of my house. I don't feel safe, i'm not happy, i'm isolated and i never want to be here but i'm forced to stay here 24/7. I'm scared to be here at night. I don't know if i should turn to God about this because i feel like that's asking him for something i probably don't deserve. Like even if this house is small dysfunctional and in a bad location why would my family deserve a new house if he knows i can't respect the one i have now. I'm to embarrassed to tell my mom how i really feel about where we live about how scared and alone i feel here. So if i turn to God yeah he'll know i want to move ad why but just asking won't give me a new house there's no guarantee i will feel safe finally in a new house. It's a game of Russian roulette and I've been playing for too long.

maybe it's not all bad

I have to admit today wasn't the worst of days. I'm on day two of my diet and i do feel a little different. Of course there's no actual change though. I feel like a prisoner in my body, afraid to even notice it in the mirror. Other than that all my grades are up, and i'm starting to study for all my finals. I hope i pass them i really do i can't deal with not passing them, it's my whole future on the line here. Other than all of that i keep thinking a lot about the future. I'm one of those people who can sit around for hours daydreaming about what could be. But i'm also one of those people who doesn't take action to change what is. But i guess today has showed me that i can laugh, talk to new people, work to get good grades, have fun, and be more of myself around others. It's showed me that you know maybe it's not all bad. There can be bad days and good days, but as long as i'm sitting around moping about my body and my life then it will never be a good day in the slightest. Whether it's a good or bad day is ultimately up to me and my mindset. I think i'm going to start like an attitude/mood journal. I've seen other people do them and from what i hear it helps you get out the pent up feelings you have without taking them out on someone else. Or being in a bad mood all day over one annoying thing. I just hope that coming to this realization that it depends on me to make it a good day sticks with me and i don't forget. I hope i can keep this a constant thing of waking up and thinking "hey maybe it's not all bad, today is going to be a great day". Even if it turns out to be a horrible day at least i can say it started out great.

who i am

I try to tell myself i'm happy with who i am when i look in the mirror. Accepting that this is as pretty as i'll ever be. But one thing that bothers me the most is that people say "accept yourself and just be happy with who you are, it makes you happier." Well i don't know who came up with that load of bull but it's definitely easier said than done. When i think about it i hate almost everything about myself. From my hair to my toes, especially my weight. I have a really bad weight problem i go from weighing a lot to barely weighing anything. Right now i'm at the stage where i weigh a lot. And i don't like it everyday is a struggle to get through knowing society doesn't accept people who don't look like a perfect size 0-2. Even worse i'm a teenager in school. I feel like i'm in a fat suit and this isn't me it's just a momentary state i'm in. Like how it's day and night. I just keep telling myself that it's night time and soon enough it will be day and i'll be all back to the way i was before. But that isn't going to happen without a little, more like a lot of work. A lot of eating healthy, drinking water, and working out. And about all 3 of those things i don't exactly take a liking to. So it will be even more of a struggle to push through. I just want to look good for the dance coming up on June 6th at my school this is the dress i'm going to be wearing. 

I'm in love with it and i don't exactly have a date to the dance so i want to look good and show every guy want they could have had. And most of all just for that one night i want to feel like i'm myself and not in a body suit of fat that isn't me. I want to be me for the night. Also i really hope i pass all me end of year testing it's really freaking me out that i might not make it to the next grade and passing means so much to me but anyways it's along story so i'll make another post about that. And if you're wondering the dress is from deb's homecoming section.

End of the school year blues

Don't be mislead by the heading of this entry. I'm ecstatic school's over soon and i don't have to wake up every morning to attempt (and fail) at looking good. But it's the teachers in my school that seem to have these blues. Not the good "I'm sad your leaving my class i hope i taught you well" kind of blues. But the "get out of my class already even though you're one of my best students my main goal in life is to ruin your day every. single. day." kind of blues. Today i had my book taken away from my language arts teacher because it was "inappropriate". By the way it definitely wasn't it was a general fiction teen romance book with kissing and puppy love that most girls my age swoon over. Yet it was corrupting me. How. About. No. She (my L.A. teacher) has freaking twilight books with sex scenes of Edward and Bella breaking the freaking bed. So she takes the Book to the principle and yells at me to go to see the principle. I go to the principle and she agrees that it's nothing to be in trouble over. THANK YOU JESUS AT LEAST ONE OF THE ADULTS IN THIS BUILDING HAS SOME SENSE. So she says i'll call your mom she can come get it. But in the mean time my L.A. teacher spreads rumors about me to all the teachers on the hall that it was a sex book and i was some freak. LIKE NO CAN SHE JUST STOP BEFORE I THROW HER UNDER A BUS. So now when my mom came to get it the whole office stared at her with dirty looks. Now that was just way to far i was going to kill my teacher. I mean don't mess with my mom, she gave birth to me, loves me, and makes really good food so back of and shut the fuck up you wannabe gossip girl of a teacher. It's so immature of her to be talking about me. She's the teacher and i'm the student. She is there to help me learn, not talk about me, spread rumors and give me dirty looks all day. If she wants to act like a high school teenage girl then i will gladly treat her like a high school teenage girl, she has to be at least 40 something years old and even i know how to compose myself better with more maturity and self control than she does. Anyways guys, I just looked over to my TV and saw a preview for the fault in our stars. I'm so excited for that, that movie will have me bawling with tears by the time it's over. Also i have some guy news I'm not really sure what it is or what it will lead too but it's like innocent flirting and touching each others arms and stuff like that. It's honestly really adorable but who knows, i sure don't. I hope it's something just a little more, nothing serious but i'm so tired of being single yah feel. Also i'm writing a book on wattpad.com i don't know if any of you know what wattpad is but it's really great. I'm just finished writing chapter three and it would mean a lot if you checked it out and gave me feedback and stuff so here's the link to it:  http://www.wattpad.com/story/15219048-it%27s-been-a-while

key word: wow

So as most days (not trying to sound unhappy i swear) Today sucked. I mean there's so much going on around me at lightning speed it's hard to see everything as it flashes by. At some point you come to find out that everyone has problems, and mostly everyone only cares about their problems.. not yours. So you can say whatever but a quiz you didn't study for because you were absent from throwing up is simply just a quiz you didn't study for and that's on you. Also failing is also on you. wow just wow. Being in a miserable state because you can't stand the constant wave of suck that repetitively knocks you over is your problem, not the people laughing and having a good time not caring why your sad. wow just wow. Because i'm sure i'm not the only one who from time to time just wishes someone would care enough to ask or stick around long enough for the whole story and not say anything like "well stop overreacting it's not even that bad, others have it worse." Well for crying out loud i know others have it worse, but others also have it better. So every once in a while just every now & then would it be so horrific to want just a little help getting up off the ground from the devilish suck wave that keeps knocking you down. Would it be so bad just to want to love and be loved by practically anyone because we all know that would at least put a little spark of hope in all of us. But the fact that people continue to judge everyone else about things that they have no right to comment on bewilders me. It leaves me with nothing but the word wow plastered on my face, coming out of my mouth, and officially becoming my motto. I just wish we could all support each other. I'm not asking for world hunger to be resolved, for peace in the middle east, or for my family to win the million dollar jackpot and become rich. I'm just asking for a "are you okay" or a "do you need help" or "do you want to talk about it" even a simple silent hug would do. We all have problems so instead of focusing on all of our own problems, how about we help others with some of theirs and they'll help with some of yours. If you scratch my back then i'll scratch yours should be the new motto not wow.

when in doubt, blog it out.

I'm so done with caring what people think, but at the same time i still care. I think my life sucks, but at the same time it''s great compared to how some others have to live. Why is this such a dilemma. I feel so trapped in everything it's crazy. I want Jesus's help, but i feel like i don't deserve it. This verse i found makes me really think of my life. I wonder why is my family poor, and why can't we have things like all my other friends families. Well as the verse below says, it's not my work that will change that. Neither is it how hard i work or do something to try and change the fact that my families poor. Because like most things God does there's a reason why. It's Gods plan for my family, and he didn't do it because he doesn't love my family. He didn't do it in vain, but simply because it is the plan that he has for me.

1 Corinthians 15:10-

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them, though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me.

the bible

I have never read the whole bible from start to finish. It's supposed to be a book right, so i wonder why until now i'm finally thinking of reading the whole thing. It's just like a harry potter book (really long). But sometimes i feel bad or guilty because when i read it at night or before bed it starts to put me to sleep, i don't want the bible to bore me! Then again it's almost like a predicted story, or someone has spoiled the whole thing for me. I've heard how it begins how it ends and all in between. All the stories, the prophets, and the plagues. I've done activities galore to have these stories drilled into remembrance since i was a kid. So is there still any point to read it through and through, or am i just wasting time. Now that i think of it if i read it through and through i should leave my own notes understand and interpret it the way i do. Since i'm older i think i'm mentally and intellectually ready for finding out my own stories on the bible and how i should let it into my life. 

self conscious hurdles

I'm very self conscious. I look in the mirror and see every pimple, blemish, split end, cracked lip, etc. Most girls ultimately come to the question "am i ugly or pretty, skinny or fat, too tall or too short?" Which i seem to come to every time i look in the mirror. I know i'm not ugly no one really is but it doesn't help me one bit that there's girls in my school who look like Victoria secret angels with a side job of a gymnast. It sucks even more i have every single one of my classes with one of them. It's hard to compare but sometimes i wonder maybe it's just me. Maybe i'm just so judgmental of myself that i don't see that i'm just as good as her. Then there's days when i look in the mirror and see a fat ugly lump of lazy who has a face covered in grease. It's hard for girls, most boys don't understand that. We pick apart every detail of ourselves. I hope i can try and change this in the future it will definitely take work but i would do it if it meant comfort in my own body. It's just like hurdles. All's i have to do is take a couple leaps of faith and i'm on my way to self love rather than self loathe.

ignorant people...

I don't know about any of you but i absolutely love the show Grey's Anatomy. The rush, drama, romance, and occasional gushing blood. But i absolutely hate people who say "it looks cool in Grey's Anatomy so i want to be a surgical intern when i'm older". For starters you can't just be a surgical intern, that's only step one of your surgical residency. You can't stay an uneducated surgeon in training your whole life. And secondly, being a surgeon is nothing like that show and you don't become a surgeon because you watched a medical drama. Being a surgeon is about caring for the well being of others, saving lives, and doing boring chart work because it all benefits for the health of the patients. Me myself, I want to be come either a neurosurgeon or a cardio thoracic surgeon. I find it so ignorant of people who think becoming a surgeon/ being a surgeon is like a medical drama t.v. show. Say there's me and another person who wants to be a surgeon in a room with an interviewer for medical school. Here's the difference between the ignorance and true passion of wanting to be a surgeon.

INTERVIEWER: so why do you want to become a surgeon/physician?

OTHER PERSONS RESPONSE: well this one time i was watching grey's anatomy and i thought it looked so cool, plus i wanna meet a hot doctor like Meredith did oh also i hear they get payed a lot.

MY RESPONSE: I've always dreamed of being a surgeon. To think that there's dying people all over the world who could be saved. And i could be the one to save them with just years of studying a practice i could save their lives. I could give their families extra time with them, help them to see the next sunrise, take the next breath, think clearly, walk again, etc. It's amazing i could do that. The hours of sleep i would be loosing pales in comparison to the fact i would be spending them in a hospital doing something to help the well being of another human just like me. I want to put myself to work to be able to wake up and say i get to go save a life today. Yes i know that not every patient will make it, not every gun shot victim will pull through, and not every coronary heart bypass will be successful. But that's part of the job you win and you lose but every time you fight like hell to get that patient out of the operating room not in a body bag. You do every last measure before you call the time of death down to hand massaging the heart just to get back the lightest rhythm of a pulse. That's why i want to be a surgeon/ health care physician. I can get some training then save a life. A few hours of missed sleep could mean a girl who doesn't have to grow up without a father. Not to mention it looks extremely cool haha.

see there's a big difference between the two.Now i'm not saying it's bad to want to become a surgeon at first because you see it on TV. But read up on it there's a lot that could turn you off to doing it, such as you might not have known a bovie is something the burns shut small cuts during surgery and it does have a smell so if things like that disgust you it's not for you. also don't be ignorant and say it's because they make money or doctors are hot. it offends people who actually have a true passion for this.

can't a girl dream?

I see all over there's people earning millions by the minute, winning the lottery, and getting served martinis by the pool. Then there's me sitting in my house with my bed, some food, and my parents complaining that we're going to be broker than usual since my sister's college tuition is due. I don't understand why God lets people get raped, murdered, starved, treated as a slave, and beaten everyday all over the world. Maybe it's to keep the balance. Or maybe it's simply how God planned their life. I wish when we were all born the guide to our lives was handed to us and we went on our merry way. Instead we text a friend one day when you're 14 and you realize that all your friends have more money than you, better houses, and better families. Then again you wouldn't be you if you were your friends. So then you daydream and think about what if my family won the lottery, what if they got better jobs, what if we actually weren't broke. But in all honesty i don't think my family deserves it they haven't had a relationship with God in years. so if God put poverty, rape, and murder on the earth what makes me think he'll help out a moderately okay living family who don't exactly need the help. I bet it's just all my envy speaking.

when i was little

My family has financial issues. I would be lying if i said i didn't envy people who have money, not a lot but just enough to live comfortably. Because my family doesn't even really have that. We live one small paycheck to the next, using coupons to buy groceries and sometimes going without power for a whole afternoon. Yes i wish things were different because i don't ever remember my family having any money really. When i was little my parents used to buy lottery tickets all the time. I used to sit in the back of the car after we got it from the store praying to God we would win and have a big house, pay off ours and our whole families bills, and help others. But every time we didn't win so i got upset i had so much faith then. Now that i'm older i see all the wrong in the world, the unfairness, and sometimes i ask God why. It's a sin to do that i know i feel so guilty that i hate how my family life is, when others around the world are praying for at least one meal to eat out of that whole week or to just make it out alive. To many i am living comfortably. I have this one friend though (not using names, let's just call him bob). So Bob has a nice life, he lives in a two story house in a nice neighborhood with friends to hang out with in said neighborhood. Has a nice family car, gets things he wants. But he calls himself poor his house sucky and his family the worst on the earth. Me on the other hand, i live in a trailer, our family car is from the year 1998, we scrimp to buy groceries let alone simple luxuries like expensive dinners out to eat and trips to go places. My grandma recently passed away but we couldn't attend her  funeral due to the lack of money to get there. So in these moments i have nothing but why God pop into my brain i think why are they so special to get a normal life with no worries like being 14 a knowing all these money troubles. I know it's for a reason God always does something for a reason. I just wish i knew the reason. I would be so thankful to live in a house without lines on the walls, dents in the floors, cracked open windows, and paper thin walls. To live in a neighborhood without drug users, parties, alcohol, thugs, and perverts. To feel safe at night when i go to sleep and hear a noise. I would never ask for anything more than this and i know i would ask for things like food clothes or hanging out with friends. But only those normal little things. I wouldn't do anything bad or horrible if i had this dream come true. i would dedicate myself to becoming a surgeon to save lives for God. But i can't make this all happen i can't make my family wealthy. and it's a sin to be jealous and angry and hate your life. then i sin on the daily. i hate that other people have things i can't mainly nice houses and cars and clothes and good looks and boyfriends. most of all not having to worry about money all the time at the age of 14 i just wish and pray and dream.  I need to reconnect with God before i can even ask for things like this if i don't deserve his forgiveness then i definitely don't deserve his never ending abundance yet.